As we near the end of 2024, I find myself doing my usual end-of-year reflections. Around this time last year, I wrote about my 2023 reflections here. To be honest, I felt like I had grown so much in 2023 at the time that it would be hard to have another year that could top it. As I look back on my 2024 though, I feel like I grew in so many more ways, and in new dimensions that I didn’t even know were possible when the year started.
The year turned out to be quite different from what I initially expected though. A chapter title I came up with to describe my 2024 if my life were a book (a prompt from a reflection workshop I recently did) was: “A year of 100 internally, a year of 0 externally”. Externally, I wasn’t as successful at first glance in terms of areas like career progression or money. Internally though, I’ve grown in some ways that are hard to put into words. One feeling I keep coming back to though is feeling a stronger internal feeling of self-worth than in the past. Maybe it’s due to a culmination of a number of areas of inner work I’ve delved into this year, such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Not Nice communication, and surrender.
Reflecting on my 2024 Intentions
The intentions I set out with to start the year initially were surrender, slowing down, and learning more about adulting. Here are some of my reflections on my work on those intentions this year:
Surrender
I set this intention partly because I didn’t really know what it fully meant and wanted to delve deeper after a number of people I respected had talked about it. I thought it was a sibling perhaps of the intentions that guided my 2023 like acceptance, letting go, and self-trust.
I was able to dive into surrender this year through both Internal Family Systems (IFS) work and reading the book Surrender Experiment. The process of delving into it felt more like a gradual process, but now I see some of my efforts around this intention starting to bear fruit.
IFS is based on the idea that we are made up of various parts that emerged within us in prior times of our lives that helped us survive those times. Through this work, I uncovered and started working with a “control part” of me that likes to control things. I worked with this part with compassion when it was feeling overwhelmed and finding itself grasping at things it couldn’t control. We started with helping it have just the simple goal of separating out the things it can and can’t control, and nothing else. Gradually, this part of me improved its ability to make this differentiation when challenging situations in life came up. The next step for me was to allow this part to let go of those things it identified it couldn’t control.
Overall, I’ve been working with my control part to have it evolve into a “surrender part” - a part that’s able to do that full cycle of separating the things I can and can’t control, and letting go of the things I can’t to allow to space to focus on the things I can. The idea behind this evolution is that I’m able to honor the aspects of my control part’s former self that were helpful in past contexts of my life, while shifting to an identity that is more relevant to the newer realities of my current life.
In addition, reading the book Surrender Experiment dramatically increased my understanding of surrender through a real-life example of the author Michael Singer applying it in his life (more here).
Slowing Down
I do think I have made good progress on my ability to slow down. For example, I’ve embodied living with a principle of “Hell yeah or no” to help guide the things I do in the busy city of SF and the world of ever-increasing options. I’ve continued to benefit from scheduling less and doing less, and seeing how that actually makes space for some of the most important things - time for myself, family, close friends, discovering new things, etc.
I’ve also developed more of an intuition for my body and listening to my heart too. I think as a result, I’ve felt less of a need to slow down too because maybe in the past I was less in tune with my heart and bodily sensations, so I would go too fast. When I’m more aware of my sensations, I’m able to process them more in real-time and give them the space they need.
I reread the slowing down piece I wrote last year too, and one thing that sticks out is that I mentioned that not having a full sense of self-worth contributed to making it harder to slow down. I wrote, “I don’t think I’ve fully gotten to the point of fully believing that I’m enough just as I am without having to do anything or prove myself.” Rereading that sentence, I can definitely feel a stronger sense of understanding now of the idea that I as a human being am worthy just for existing, whereas previously that concept seemed a bit baffling to me.
Adulting
I started off the year having worked on some adulting things at the end of 2023 while having some avoidance and internal resistance to it all. I also felt like while I was working at a job, I would let unfinished adulting responsibilities pile on, leading those feelings to compound. As a result, another intention I set for 2024 was gaining more confidence in adulting and making more space to allow myself to figure things out.
Now looking back, it feels like 2024 is the year I truly learned how to be an adult because of how many things I did and learned. From getting health insurance after turning 26, to voting for the first time in SF, to buying furniture for the first time since 2019 after moving out of coliving, buying more stuff and continuing to invest in myself, finding a dentist, and some other unexpected situations I had to navigate too that increased my trust in my ability to figure things out.
Shifting from External Validation to Internal Fulfillment
In previous annual reflections, I’d lead with my top three moments and experiences of the year. Now though, I feel less pulled to reflect in that way because it feels more oriented around fleeting external highlights. Now, I feel a lot more beauty in the journey of things. Maybe in the past too, I’d use chasing external highlights to lift up a lower sense of self-worth I had.
While I originally was struggling to find the words to describe this shift, my friend Cissy’s writing about her shift from external validation to internal fulfillment in annual reflections deeply resonated with me.
"For so long, my measure of a year well lived was anchored to career success and jet-setting across the world. Deep down, I didn’t know what I desired or valued so it was easy to slide into chasing thrill and glory in pursuit of curating an impressive highlight reel."
"This approach set the foundation of the current iteration of my annual review, shifting my focus from external validation to inner fulfillment. The more I've turned inward, the clearer it is just how meaningful life becomes when we're driven by our inner world over material things."
—From Annual recalibration: 2023 edition by Cissy Hu
When I first read those words last year, I resonated with them and shared with her that I had felt a similar evolution myself. At the same time though, it felt more based on intuition, and there was also a part of me that was also thinking that perhaps I was only feeling this shift because I was actually afraid of pursuing career success or traveling around the world. I wondered if what it felt like my heart was desiring was actually just avoidance that I packaged as “inner work”.
Now, I feel like I understand what she said on a deeper level. I can feel it more in my body and have more lived experiences to validate this shift to feeling more sustainable fulfillment from internal rather than external sources.
Here are some examples of the shift of my view from external highlights to internal fulfillment:
Kicking off the New Year in the Dominican Republic with my family and seeing tons of fireworks exploding along the horizon was cool, but what’s more fulfilling for me now is the totality of how my relationship with my parents has evolved throughout the year, including all the parts that I would previously have more of an inclination to label as “good” or “bad”.
Hosting my 2nd annual birthday picnic in Golden Gate Park was cool, but what’s more fulfilling is my overall journey of finding a sense of community and rootedness in SF this year, as well as gradually building my identity as a community-builder. Last year, I struggled to find a stable sense of community and was wondering if I should stay in SF longer term. Now I’m so grateful for the friends and communities I have in SF.
Seeing a Lakers game live in Los Angeles and watching LeBron James play for the first time live was great, but the journey started from a childhood passion for watching Lakers games as a Kobe fan, coupled with learning to invest my money and time in ways that are aligned with my heart’s desires as an adult.
Intentions that guided this year for me: surrender, harmony, integration
Best book I read: Surrender Experiment
Best movie I watched: Inside Out 2
Heading Into 2025:
One-word intention: unfolding
Chapter title for 2025 that I’m hoping to write: “Liftoff: Integrating the Internal and External”. I hope to integrate my inner work learnings from this year with the external world, including with my job search and other things that end up unfolding.
So long from Shanghai, China, where I’m currently spending time with family! Hope everyone has a happy new year!
-Ray
so proud of ya 🥲 so here for your LIFTOFF era!
Love this reflection piece so much, Ray! Here's to unfolding in 2025 and 新年快乐!